First days on the job and I seem to have a thing going on together - I recall fondly, for example, my first day working at Victoria's Secret and trying to help two gentlemen find something sexy - after showing them every sheer and/or thong item in the place, one of them narrowed in on what they were looking for - and made it clear that I needed to refer them to the Love Pantry - when he said:
"No - I mean something *sexy* - like a Wonder Woman costume?'
Anyway - I was cleaning off my desktop and came across the following, which I drafted ages ago, but then I felt bad posting it too close to the wedding itself - but for no good reason I feel comfortable posting it now.
The first wedding I worked:
It’s a small wedding, going of in the side chapel rather than the main sanctuary, and going in I was warned that everyone who had to deal with the happy couple before the wedding found them difficult - little did I suspect, then, that the nightmare would not be provided by the bride and groom, but that they would be the victims of a tiny whirlwind nightmare.
I was working the bride's side - and the bride had no affect whatsoever - in addition she looked like she hadn't allowed a carb to pass her lips in at least 4 years. She was so thin as to seem brittle. She wore an unremarkable white dress. There were three bridesmaids, the maid of honor seemed nice, but also sans affect, bridesmaid 2 was a snitty bitch, and bridesmaid 3 - oh lordy lordy - bridesmaid 3.
Bridesmaid 3 was the sister of the groom (in wedding parlance, the SoG) who was the mother to an extremely over-indulged two and a half year old (for these purposes, “Spawn of SoG”). We first heard about Spawn of SoG when we received word over our earphones (yes, we wear earphones - like the secret service - how cool is that? But I digress…) that the SoG was running late because she was unable to detach from Spawn of SoG in the free Nursery within the church building which was kindly being provided by the Bride and Groom - at which free Nursery there was a grand total of 3 children.
Then message number two - 15 minutes later as we are literally lining up the bride's attendants, etc to walk over to the chapel - SoG was still with Spawn of SoG - we should bring her bouquet to her as we pass the nursery and she will try to detach. And then! A glimmer of hope - SoG appears - and, while practically in tears, she appears to have finally managed to leave Spawn of SoG in the nursery where he will remain for the duration of the 25 minute wedding ceremony of her BROTHER.
Alas for our fond hopes.
So as we come up to the hall outside the chapel, where everyone is in final positions before walking down the aisle we hear this sound getting louder and louder:
'HIC SOB MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY'
That's right - apparently some idiot thought it would be a good idea to bring Spawn of SoG *out* of the nursery - and then SoG thought it would be a good idea to hold this screaming, misbehaving child for the three remaining minutes before going in to the wedding. I don’t even know what her plan was for getting rid of him at the last minute. Perhaps she had some idea of walking down the aisle with the kid substituting in for a bouquet? I don’t even know.
Enter, trumpets blaring, from stage left - appearing in the role of, I don't know, martyr? Savior? Idiot? Pops - the grandfather - who is also, incidentally, the Father of the Groom. That's right - the Father of the Groom has now left the chapel in which will momentarily occur the marriage of his SON to comfort Spawn of SoG (who, in my studied opinion, either ought to be screaming his fool head off in the provided nursery or have been left at the hotel).
So we reset the linup - minus the sobbing infant - and the line up looks like this:
groomsman, groomsman, groomsman, Groom, bridesmaid, SoG, Maid of Honor (Bride is hiding around the corner - it is a 'don't see the Bride before the wedding' wedding).
Groom turns around and says something to SoG along the lines of 'can't you control him' at which point SoG WHACKS him with her bouquet and shrills that 'He (‘he’ in this instance being the Groom moments before his own wedding) just needs to deal with it (‘it’ being in this instance her massively badly behaved child who is disrupting the entire wedding).'
Oy.
Anyway, the wedding finally went off - although for the entirety of the wedding, we catch occasional glimpses of Pops and Spawn of SoG wandering around the church as Pops plies Spawn of SoG with juice, milk and candy.
I mean...
It’s a small wedding, going of in the side chapel rather than the main sanctuary, and going in I was warned that everyone who had to deal with the happy couple before the wedding found them difficult - little did I suspect, then, that the nightmare would not be provided by the bride and groom, but that they would be the victims of a tiny whirlwind nightmare.
I was working the bride's side - and the bride had no affect whatsoever - in addition she looked like she hadn't allowed a carb to pass her lips in at least 4 years. She was so thin as to seem brittle. She wore an unremarkable white dress. There were three bridesmaids, the maid of honor seemed nice, but also sans affect, bridesmaid 2 was a snitty bitch, and bridesmaid 3 - oh lordy lordy - bridesmaid 3.
Bridesmaid 3 was the sister of the groom (in wedding parlance, the SoG) who was the mother to an extremely over-indulged two and a half year old (for these purposes, “Spawn of SoG”). We first heard about Spawn of SoG when we received word over our earphones (yes, we wear earphones - like the secret service - how cool is that? But I digress…) that the SoG was running late because she was unable to detach from Spawn of SoG in the free Nursery within the church building which was kindly being provided by the Bride and Groom - at which free Nursery there was a grand total of 3 children.
Then message number two - 15 minutes later as we are literally lining up the bride's attendants, etc to walk over to the chapel - SoG was still with Spawn of SoG - we should bring her bouquet to her as we pass the nursery and she will try to detach. And then! A glimmer of hope - SoG appears - and, while practically in tears, she appears to have finally managed to leave Spawn of SoG in the nursery where he will remain for the duration of the 25 minute wedding ceremony of her BROTHER.
Alas for our fond hopes.
So as we come up to the hall outside the chapel, where everyone is in final positions before walking down the aisle we hear this sound getting louder and louder:
'HIC SOB MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY'
That's right - apparently some idiot thought it would be a good idea to bring Spawn of SoG *out* of the nursery - and then SoG thought it would be a good idea to hold this screaming, misbehaving child for the three remaining minutes before going in to the wedding. I don’t even know what her plan was for getting rid of him at the last minute. Perhaps she had some idea of walking down the aisle with the kid substituting in for a bouquet? I don’t even know.
Enter, trumpets blaring, from stage left - appearing in the role of, I don't know, martyr? Savior? Idiot? Pops - the grandfather - who is also, incidentally, the Father of the Groom. That's right - the Father of the Groom has now left the chapel in which will momentarily occur the marriage of his SON to comfort Spawn of SoG (who, in my studied opinion, either ought to be screaming his fool head off in the provided nursery or have been left at the hotel).
So we reset the linup - minus the sobbing infant - and the line up looks like this:
groomsman, groomsman, groomsman, Groom, bridesmaid, SoG, Maid of Honor (Bride is hiding around the corner - it is a 'don't see the Bride before the wedding' wedding).
Groom turns around and says something to SoG along the lines of 'can't you control him' at which point SoG WHACKS him with her bouquet and shrills that 'He (‘he’ in this instance being the Groom moments before his own wedding) just needs to deal with it (‘it’ being in this instance her massively badly behaved child who is disrupting the entire wedding).'
Oy.
Anyway, the wedding finally went off - although for the entirety of the wedding, we catch occasional glimpses of Pops and Spawn of SoG wandering around the church as Pops plies Spawn of SoG with juice, milk and candy.
I mean...
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